Hair Removal Made E-A-S-Y

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
 painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now 
 'The home Wax kit'.

 
 Read on...
 
 
 My night began as any other normal weeknight. Finish laundry, fix 
 dinner, have a glass of wine, e-mail the grandkids.
 I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the 
 next few hours. 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the 
 medicine cabinet before I go to bed'

 So I headed to the site of my demise 'the bathroom'.
 It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot 
 wax...all you do is just rub the strips together in your hand, they 
 get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or 
 whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss....how
 hard 
 can it be?
 
 I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions and I am 
 mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK !?!)
 So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each 
 other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius 
 'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
 (Cold wax, 'Yeah right') I Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the 
 skin around it tight and pull.
 
 (IT WORKS! :)
 O.K., so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't tooooo bad. I can 
 do this, I say to myself with a proud smile. Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all
 wayward body hair and maker of the smooth skin (Extraordinaire)!

 With my next strip I move north. I prep for the ultimate hair fighting 
 championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. 
 Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side 
 of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch 
 down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale 
 deeply and brace myself.......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!
 
 I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!!
 Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of 
 the Strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!
 
 Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars. I think I may 
 pass out...
 M U S T S t a y C O n S c I O U S...... M U S t- S t a y...... Do I hear
 crashing drums???
 
 Breathe, breathe ____ _______ ______ O.K..... Back to normal! I want 
 to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so 
 much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the 
 glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
 
 There is NO hair on it!!!
 
 Where is the hair???
 
 W H E R E I S T H E W A X ?????
 
 Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see 
 the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch--- 
 I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my 
 body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
 
 I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!!
 
 Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped 
 up on the toilet? I know I need to do somethin g. So I put my foot 
 down.
 
 Sealed shut!!!
 My butt is sealed shut!!!
 SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)!
 I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and 
 think to myself.
 
 P L E A S E-- PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop! ..... 'My head
 may pop off!'
 
 What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? 
 My brain is scrambling.
 
 HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax. I'll run the hottest water I can 
 stand into the bathtub... Get in. I immerse the wax covered parts and 
 the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right? 
 Yeah that will work!
 
 WRONG!!!
  I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to 
 torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, 
 the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, 
 is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the 
 tub...in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way........ doesn't melt 
 cold wax!!! So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I 
 had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!
 
 God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring 
 my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!!
 
 I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some 
 secret of how to get me undone.
 It's a very good conversation starter....'So my butt and hoo-ha are 
 glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight 
 pause....she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under 
 water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know 
 exactly where the wax is located. She says are we talking cheeks or 
 hole or ho o-ha?' She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!!
 There is no shame in her disregard for my pain ...
 she is rolling over with laughter. ....I wait. I give her the run down 
 and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! 
 Right!!! I say .. I should be the joke of someone else's night.
 While we go through various possible solutions. I resort to trying to 
 scrape the wax off with a razor.
 
 N O T H I N G feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in 
 cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water, and 
 then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not 
 working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am 
 going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counseling for this event. My 
 friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving 
 grace...THE BOX.. .the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax!
 
 What do I really have to lose at this point?
 I rub some on and OH MY -- OH - OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the dickens out of my  friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. It feels like an 
 earthquake is forcing my flesh apart.

 IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend 
 and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully sincere. I 
 successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my 
 grief and despair......
 THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!
 
 So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I 
 could have amputated my own leg at this point.
 
 Next week I'm going to try hair color...............